


Finding Our Way

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Drama, Future, M/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Points of View, Romance, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-08
Updated: 2005-12-11
Packaged: 2018-12-27 13:52:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Set 5 years after the s5 finale.  Can Justin and Brian's love survive or will it be lost forever?  What if they went their seperate ways?





	1. An Unexpected Visitor

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Justin wiped the snow out of his hair as he made his way up to his New York City apartment.  He let himself smile as he saw the silouette of his lover through the drapes.  It had been a long day and all he wanted to do was go upstairs and climb into bed.  

Taking the elevator up to the 5th floor, Justin got off and headed to 128B.  Sliding the key into the knob, he heard voices coming from inside.  "Great."  He thought.  The last thing he wanted to deal with was playing happy host to his lovers client.

Before he had time to open the door, it was pulled in.  Justin almost lost his balance, but smiled seeing his partner.  But the smile soon faded by the look on the other mans face.

"What?"  Justin asked.

As his lover moved out of the way, that's when he noticed their guest.    


"Brian?"  Justin gasped out.  


	2. Unexpected News

  
Author's notes:

I know that some of you will think this is ooc for Brian, but I think maybe with 5 years time lapse he could change.  Also I know that some may not like the direction its "headed" but stick with it.  I promise i'll make it worth it.

Brian's POV

* * *

Taking a step towards my former fiance.  I notice that even though he looks pretty much the same, his eyes tell a different story.  New York has changed him.  Made him a confidant artist.  

"Hey."  

He looks from me to Tim.  

"Can someone tell me what's going on?"

Tim clears his throat.  "Well, Mr. Kinney here showed up at the door about an hour ago."

"I came to talk to you." I tell Justin.

He glances once more to Tim.  I've already told him the reason I'm here.

Tim nods.  "It's okay.  I'll be in the bedroom if you need me."

Justin motions towards the sofa.  "Would you like something to drink?" 

I shake my head.  "I just really need to speak with you."

"Okay."  He replies and sits opposite from me.  

Clearing my throat, I don't know exactly how to tell him this.  I mean my being here must come as quite a shock to him.  After all it's been four years since we've spoken to each other.  When he first left for New York City, we tried to stay together.  But distance, work and time inevitably made it impossible and somehow we just stopped trying.

"I got your address from your mother."

He nods.  "You still speak with my mom?"

"Yeah."  I don't quite know how to say this to him.

Justin runs a hand through his hair.  It's gotten longer now.  "Why are you here?"

I'm a little taken aback by his comment.  

"I'm sorry.  That came out a lot harsher then I meant it.  I just...you're the last person I'd expect at my door a week before Christmas."  He adds.

"Justin, I...I needed to see you."  Taking a moment I continue.  "I needed to tell you this in person.  I could have done it through mail or even e-mail, but I just needed to tell you."

"Go on."

I clear my throat.  "I'm getting married."  There.  I told him.  That's when I see it.  Something in his eyes.  Just a flicker of something.  

"That's...that's great."  He replies standing up and heading to the door.  

I grab my coat off the chair.  "I'll send you an invitation."

He half smiles.  "I'd like that."

"Hey, you want to get together for lunch tomorrow.  I know a great diner in Chelsea.  Reminds me of the Liberty."  I smile.

"I can't.  I have to meet with a gallery owner."

"Well then maybe some other time."  I reply.

He nods.  "Definately."  Before the door is shut.


	3. Decisions

  
Author's notes:

I'm trying to add some backstory into these chapters.  

This one was written in Justin's POV.

* * *

Turning around, I come face to face with Tim.   

"You okay?"  He asks.

Sighing, I nod.  "Why wouldn't I be?"

I feel him pull me hand into his.  "Because he was your former fiance. You were together for five years."

"Now I'm with you."  I put on my best convincing act and press my lips to his.  "I'm going to go take a shower."

Tim smirks.  "Need any company?"

"Tim, I'm really tired.  Not really in the mood tonight."  I answer trying to ignore the hurt look on his face.

"Alright."  He replies as I walk towards the bathroom.  "Justin?"

"hmm?"  I turn to face him.

He looks me straight in the eyes.  "I love you."

"I love you too."  I sigh and walk into the bathroom.

Closing the door I turn the shower on full blast and find myself fall onto the toilet lid.  Tears soon ensue and I don't know why.  I love Tim.  I really do.   We've been together for three years and it's been good.   I met Tim at an art show.  He's not an artist but is a lawyer and does work for the GLBT community.  

I rub my eyes.  So why now?  Why is Brian showing up at my door and anouncing he's getting married affecting me so much?  Fuck!  Brian Kinney married.  I have to see Brian again.

Jumping into the already running shower, I let my body get wet before grabbing a towel and heading towards the bedroom.  I pick up the phone and dial the familiar numbers.  I hope Brian hasn't changed his cell number.

"Kinney."

"Uh, Brian."

He stops for a moment.  Even though I can't see it.  I know him.  

"Justin."

"I was just wondering if you wanted to grab dinner tomorrow night.  I realized my schedule was clear and thought I might take you up on your offer, but if you can't that's okay.  In fact I don't even know why I called in the first place.   I'm an idiot..."  I know I'm rambling and so I force my mouth shut.

"Dinner would be great.  I'll be at your place around 7."  

Nodding, I realize that he can't see me.  "Great.  Later."

He coughs on the other end.  "Umm, yeah."

Just as I put the phone back in it's cradle I notice Tim standing in the doorway.

"Tomorrow night is the fundraiser for the new AIDS hospice.  Remeber you volunteered to help run the art tent for kids."  He gives me one last look before turning around.

Jumping off the bed I rush after him.  "Tim.  Tim."

His body radiates anger as he pulls his coat on.  

"Tim.  Where are you going?"

Ignoring me, he reaches for his keys.  

Now i'm getting mad.  "What the fuck is the problem?  So I won't be there for a fucking art tent.  Melinda and Chris will be there.  I cannot believe you are getting so pissed over this.  I'm sorry, but I've gone to every fundraiser that you've asked me too since we got together."

"It's not fucking that."  He pushes out through gritted teeth.

I suck in a breath.  "Than what is it?"

He doesn't answer and drops his hands against his sides.

"It's Brian.  It's because I'm seeing Brian."

Again I recieve no answer.

"Tim.  I. Love. You." I puncuate every word with a kiss.  "And Brian is engaged.  I just need to do this.  Make things right between us."

Nodding he still grabs for the door knob.  "I know.  I just need to be alone for a while."

Closing my eyes I understand.  "When will you be back?"

"Not to late." 


	4. The Slip

  
Author's notes:

Brian's POV.  So I think you've figured by now that it alternates between Brian and Justin's POV.  If it's going to be different I'll author note it.  So I won't have to keep putting the POV in.  
  
For clarification Brian and Kevin are a couple.  Justin and Tim are a couple.

* * *

I disconnect the call at the same time two arms slip around me.  

Smiling, I bring a hand up to my lips.  

"So how'd it go?"  

Sighing, I pinch the bridge of my nose.  "Alright."  

Kevin comes around to stand in front of me.  "Aren't you glad you told him yourself?"

Wrapping my arms around him I nod.  

"Good."  I feel him slid down my body and then the sound of my zipper fills the room.

As his lips surround my cock, I can only think of one thing.  A certain blonde.

Grabbing Kevin up off the ground, I bend him over the nearest object.  Which happens to be an end table.  I pull his pants down as fast as I can and soon the sounds of the condom wrapper ripping open fills my ears.  As soon as I slid it on, I plunge deep into him.  Hard and fast.  And when I cum it's the most intense orgasm I've had since before I met him.  We both just end up tangled limbs on the floor.  

"I love you Brian."

Smiling I kiss the top of his head.  "You too Sunshine."  And I let blackness take me.


	5. Morning Comes

I wake up to the sight of a dozen white carnations on my night stand.  In the middle is a card with the words _I'm Sorry_ written on it.  

I find myself smiling that Tim remembered my telling him why I didn't like roses in general, especially red ones.  Stretching out I replay he events of yesterday in my head.  Brian's back.  He's getting married.  Married.  That word keeps running through my brain like a song that gets caught in your head.  Married, married, married.  

"That was suppose to be me."  I say out loud before my mind can even register it.  Guilt suddenly strikes me.  It's not like Tim was there to hear my confession, it's just that.... I love Tim.  I really do.  My life with Tim is easy.  We are on the same page about everything.  

Glancing at the clock, I realize I have 45 minutes until I have to meet with Steve Byrnes the owner of The Byrnes Gallery about a show.  I get up and head to the shower.  

As the water pelts down on me, thoughts of Brian keep fluttering before my eyes like a movie and before I know it I have my cock in my hand.  As memories of Brian fucking me fill my head, I'm cumming hard and fast.  

Once again that guilt creeps up on me.  I scrub myself clean and watch in fascination as my juice is sucked down the drain.  

Throwing the curtain open, I grab the nearest towel and head to the bedroom.  I pull on a pair of jeans and a sweater.  Hey I'm an artist.  Suits are for the corporate America type.  I'm out the door.  



	6. Morning After

Entering the kitchen, I can tell something is off with my partner.  

"Morning." I whisper into his ear, running my hands down his body.

"Morning." He replies curtly, stepping out of my embrace.

I stand there a moment.  "What the fucks a matter?"

Kevin just gives me a look. 

"Look, I have a meeting with Steve Byrnes about advertising the newest show at The Byrnes Gallery.  Why don't you tell me what's bothering you so I won't spend the entire day worrying about it."  I'm trying to keep calm.

Kevin slams his coffee cup down.  "You really don't know."

I hold out my arms and shrug.

"Oh lets see after you fucked my brains out you called me Sunshine and fell asleep."

"I did not." I protest.  Did I?

Taking a moment, he turns his back to me.  "You did."

Shit, is that why I woke up alone, in the middle of the hotel floor.  

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry for calling me your former fiances name after we made love?  Well than that makes it all beter."  He says sarcastically still not facing me.

I make my way towards him and wrap my arms around his stiff body.  "I love you.  I'm marrying you.  No one else."

"What if you and Justin had stayed together.  You would be married to him now.  You would..."  

I silence him with a kiss.  Not a passionate, fiery, want to fuck your brains out kiss.  But one to let him know that he's all I want.

He nods in silent understanding.  "What time will you be back?"

"I don't know.  Maybe 2 or 3."  

"And dinner with Justin?" 

"At 7.  I promise you nothing will happen.  I just need to make sure he's okay."

With one last look at Kevin, I smile and grab my brief case.  



	7. Sucker Punch

  
Author's notes: Okay I don't know how galleries are run with artist commission.  So that part is completely made up.  


* * *

"Well, Mr. Taylor your work is very impressive.  It's also selling faster than you can paint them."  Mr. Byrnes tells me.

"Thank you."

He clears his throat.  "I would like to extend and offer to you to feature your work.  My gallery takes 20% off the top and the advertisers get 10%.  Everything after that is yours.  Each piece won't be sold for less than $10,000.  Interested?"

I nod.  This is the biggest offer I've had since I moved here.  "Yes."  

"Good.  I'll have my secretary send the contracts to you."  Mr. Byrnes rises from his seat and holds out his hand.  

Shaking it, I can't believe this.  "Thank you again."

He gives me a half smile as I make my way out of his office.

I need a moment to compose myself, so I head into the bathroom.  

Stopping dead in my tracks I see Brian finishing washing his hands.  His head shoots up.

"Uh..." I don't know what to say.  What the fuck is he doing here?

He finishes drying his hands.  "Hi."  

"What are you..doing here?"  I finish.

"Mr. Byrnes wants to meet me about promoting his next show."  

Oh fuck.  My show.

I put on my best act despite the nagging feeling in my stomach.  "Well, that's my show."

"That's great.  The Byrnes Gallery is one of the bigger galleries in the city." 

I nod as Brian makes his way towards me.  What the fuck is he doing?  Than I remember I'm leaning against the door.

"Thanks."  I mumble.

"I always knew you'd be a big success."  We're only inches away from each other.

His scent fills my lungs and I find myself pressing my lips against his. 

He kisses back with such passion and lust.

"We can't." I gasp breaking the kiss.  "You're engaged and I'm with..."

But I don't finish my sentence because he crushes his lips against mine once more, grabbing my hair in the process.  

Pulling at his pants, I need this.  I need him.  

He grabs my waist and spins me around so fast I almost slam my head against the door.  My pants are around my ankles now and I have no idea how that happened.  

I hear the familiar sound of the condom wrapper and prepare myself.  

I don't have to wait long to feel his cock slip into me.  He doesn't pace himself and I feel myself getting slammed into the metal door over and over again.  I don't care.  My body responds almost instantly and by now my manhood is weeping trying to cum.  Intensity tingles it's way from the tips of my fingers to my toes as I shoot all over the door.  

Brian follows soon after.  

Pulling my pants back on I feel sick.  "That...that was a mistake." I blurt out.

Brian doesn't say anything and fixes his hair in the mirror.

Taking a paper towel out of the holder, I wipe up my mess on the door.  

"What did it mean?"  I try again.

Brian still says nothing.

"Would you fucking say something already?" I beg.  

Brian turns to me finally and makes his way towards the door.  "Here." 

He blurts putting an envelope into my hand before leaving.  I open it with shakey fingers and pull out a card.  It's his wedding invitation.  

I feel like someone punched me in the stomach.  All the air leaves my lungs as I fall back against the door.


	8. Brian's Interlude

After my meeting with Byrnes, I hail a cab down to central park.  I feel my jacket start to vibrate and pull my cell out of my pocekt.  It's Justin.  I can't talk to him right now.  So I let it go to voice mail.  

A few seconds my phone beeps signifying he left me a message.  Quickly I listen to him explain that he can't make it to dinner.  That he loves Tim and is going to some AIDS fundraiser with him.  

Just as well after what happened.  I keep repeating I love Kevin in my head.  Just a mantra of those three words.  Trying to push any thoughts of Justin out of my head.  

It's not like I ever planned on getting involved with anyone again.  The idea was to wait for Justin, even if it took forever.  Because frankly even though I struggled so hard to fight it, I really do-did love him.  

But then a year after Justin and I had ended Kevin came into my life.  I guess in a lot of ways he reminded me of Justin; romantic, caring, compassionate.  I think that's what attracted me to him at first.  He was a friend of Linds from Canada.  A fucking pediatrician.  When Linds and Melanie moved back to the States after two years, he came with them.

It shocked the hell out of everyone when we started to fall for each other, mostly me.  It was a mature relationship from the start.  Friendship to partners.  Unlike my rollar coaster ride with Justin.  

I need to stop thinking about him.  Kevin and I are getting married on Christmas.  Last minute, but it's what he wanted.  Romance, white, snow. 

Taking all my feelings towards Justin, I bury them in the back of my heart under lock and key.  I need to concentrate on Kevin and our lives.


	9. Justin's Decision

There it sits unceremoniously on the counter.  The invitation Brian gave me.  "Come celebrate our love and commitment."  Makes me want to throw up every time I look at it.  To top it off it's happening in less than a week now.  

"I'm becoming to think you're having a love affair with that peice of paper."  Tim jokes looking up from his legal briefs.

"What?"

Tim smiles sadly and comes over to me.  "You can't stop looking at that invitation.  Every time you walk by it you sigh."

"I don't." I protest knowing he's right.  

"It's okay.  I understand."  He tells me.

I know he does.  "I'm sorry."

Nodding, he picks the thing up.  "You should go.  Tell Brian you still love him."

"I don't-"

"Yes you do.  It's really alright Jus.  It really is.  I knew going into this I was second best.  Runner up.  Could never compete with Brian Kinney."  

Sighing I hug him.  "Then why did you get involved with me?"

He gives me another sad smile when he pulls back.  "Because I wanted to make you smile.  Because I love you.  And even if I was second best, as long as I could be near you...it was worth it."

"You deserve much better than me."  I tell him seriously.

Chuckling, Tim opens his mouth.  "Yeah, probably.  But you can't help who you fall in love with.  And if Brian says no I'll always be here."


	10. Moments

  
Author's notes: This chapter is written in two POVs.  They're marked for clarity sake.  


* * *

BRIAN'S POV   
It's no wonder that as soon as Kevin and I get home, we're greeted with the phone ringing.  As I look around, I notice how suddenly things that I hadn't thought about in a while surface.  This house was the one I bought for Justin.  Fuck, I promised myself I wouldn't think of him.  

Kevin kisses me on the cheek and goes to answer the damn thing.  I know it's going to be a member of our extended family wondering how the blond that once filled my life took the news.  

I don't wait to see as I take the stairs up to the bathroom.  I need a shower.  

KEVIN'S POV  
As I answer to Debs cheerful voice, I spot Brians retreating back.  It pains me.  It does.  I love him so much.  I have to keep reminding myself that I knew about him and Justin going into this.  I know that Justin is who I should be thanking for unlocking the love of my life's heart.  But, fuck if a part of Brian isn't still holding onto Justin Taylor.  Try as I might I haven't been able to pull that apart.  At least in two days he'll be commited to me and only me.  I know I sound controlling, it's just that atleast now our relationship will have some solidarity to it.  

Quickly, I make an excuse and disconnect the call at the same time Brian decides to show his face.

"Who was it?"

"Deb."  I answer.

He nods and finds his way down the stairs and in front of me.  "What's wrong?"

I don't know what to say.  How to verbalize my feelings.

"Tell me."

Clearing my throat, I wrap my arms around him.  "I'm scared."

I feel him start to stroke my hair.  "About what?"

This is it.  "Justin."

He stiffens in my arms.  "You shouldn't.  Justin's not a threat to you."

"Then why does it feel likeif he were to show up tomorrow, on our wedding day, and declared his love for you.  Given the choice, you'd..."

Pulling away from me, Brian smiles.  "I'd choose you.  I chose you.'

I smile at the big romantic in front of me.  He'd never admit it, but he has one of the biggest hearts in the world.  "I love you."

"So let's stop talking about him and go upstairs.  Fuck, I wanna fuck you."  He murmurs.  There he is the Brian Kinney we all know and love.  



	11. Chapter 11

  
Author's notes:

Don't kill me over the ending.. lol.  I promise there will be a sequel entitled "Crawling Back To You."  Don't worry the Brian/Justin saga will continue....  Just stick with it.  I promise I will not disappoint you guys.  
  
On another note this chapter was somewhat inspired by the movie, "13 Going on 30."  So if it seems familiar that's why.  
  
One more thing.  Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback.  I really appreciate it.  It makes me want to get the chapters out to you faster.  :)

* * *

**Justins POV**

I have no idea what I'm doing here.  The past 48 hours are such a blur.  I remember packing at the apartment and getting to an airport.  But the plane ride and how I got here are all so blurred together.  So here I am standing on the front porch of what was suppose to be my house.  My life.  I spotted Lindsey, Mel, Deb and Ted head to the backyard.  

Quietly, I turn the knob and let myself in.  Kevin is getting ready in the study and I notice Emmett immediately helping.  I turn and hurry up the stairs, taking two at a time, hoping no one notices me.  

I still know the layout of this house.  Brian's probably in the master bedroom.  Again, as quietly as I can I open the door and close it.  He's to fascinated by fixing his tux that he never notices me.

Taking a step forward, the floor creeks and grabs his attention.  

**Brian's POV**

My head snaps up at the noise intrusion and that's when I see him.  Blue jeans, sneakers, black peacoat, blue eyes and blonde hair.

"Umm, I...I..."  He stutters.

Finding my voice, I allow myself to speak.  "Justin."

"Hi."

"I didn't think you were going to come."  I truly didn't think he would.

He just looks and scratches behind his ear.

I can tell he's nervous.  He only does that if he's nervous.  "What?"

"I just...I'm a horrible person."  He stops for a second.  "Things were just so complicated.  That's no excuse.  Because I should have tried harder I guess.  I should have treated you better."

"What are you talking about?"  He's not making any sense.

Taking a step forward he looks me straight in the eye.  "I've changed.  I'm not that stupid 22 year old that left you for the bright lights of the city.  I'm not.  I've grown up."

"I know you have."

"I still love you."

I sigh knowing that he did.  "I know."

"I'm sorry I hurt you.  I'm sorry I left you.  I'm sorry I didn't try harder."

"I know." It's the only thing I can say.

"But that's the thing Brian.  I think if you really believed I was different, that I love you... you wouldn't be marrying someone today, unless that someone were me.  I've gotta believe that."  A lonely tear streams down his face.

"I'm sorry.  We've both moved on, made choices.  I chose Kevin.  He makes me happy.  I'm so sorry."

More tears ensue and all I want to do is take him into my arms, but I can't.  "Please don't cry."

He looks up from the carpet.  "I'm just crying because I'm happy for you.  I'm so happy that you're happy."  With that he's out the door.

I knew this was going to be one of the hardest things I've probably ever had to do.  I love Justin.  I have always loved Justin and I always will.  But I can't bring myself to be with him.  I've realized that for me life has moved on, or atleast I'm trying to.  

_Years later I'll realize that love is love and you can't change that.  No matter how much you try...._

**STAY TUNED FOR THE SEQUEL "Crawling Back To You"** **COMING VERY SOON!**  



End file.
